This blog is really not the true topic you would be reading about (DIY stuff), but I need to get this off my chest. To make me sane again as a person. I am going to lay it all out in the open, which I rarely do (I feel like Jerry in the movie "Jerry Maguire" at this point ha!). Do you want to know what it is really like to be a first time mom? The truth not the "fluff" about how it is really hard, but the most rewarding thing EVER and so on and so on (it is rewarding, but there is more too it). Keep reading!
I have officially been a mother to a live male human being for 18 weeks & 4 days. In the books you read and in the clasess you are told that this thing called being a mom is HARD because you will be so tired with the feedings, putting the baby to sleep and blah blah blah...... Yes yes yes yes....I am tired & sleepy....with my son thinking I am an "all you can eat buffet" at 2 am & 4 am. Yes yes yes yes....I am frustrated that my baby doesn't want to sleep when I want him to sleep....these things really have a mind of their own. Yes...I am the mom experiencing all these typical things you hear & read about. But what you can't really prepare for the roller coasters you go through emotionally.
Today I realized that I have not been "me" in 18 weeks & 4 days. I have been just a shell of person...more like a robot/mommy slave with milk shooting out of its' chest. I know I am not suffering from postpardum depression, but what I do know is I am really unhappy of who I am right now. I am not the best version of myself to give to my son, my husband, my family and friends. What I am just trying to do is just get through each day. Hoping that I am survive and get through another day, which is very sad. To be living like that.
It is the same routine... wake up at midnight...baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat. He is done and back to sleep. 3 am again baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat and pray he wakes up closer to 7 am so I can sleep an extra hour, but no he wakes up at 6 am going nom nom nom. I feed and then just lay there dreading to get out of bed having to start the day. When I finally get the courage to get up now it is full time rush rush rush mode. I am running around with my hair looking like a nest in the kitchen thawing out pumped milk, brushing my teeth, & getting the baby's stuff ready for day care. I occasionally walk in too check on him. He is either sound asleep or smiling so big to start the day. I have no idea how this baby can be so happy EVERY morning! Because I am SOOOOO not! I continue to rush around the house. I put on half my clothes & makeup on. Then I hear in the background my husband getting the baby changed and dress for daycare. Whew....I think he will take the baby to daycare. I still rush around...I am finally ready to go to work with my pony tail and dull outfit. I don't have time to concentrate on my hair & outfit like I use too. Remember I am just trying to get through the day. I say bye to my boys and run out for my commute to work.
I get to work and rush rush there. I check my email and voicemail. Put out some fires and then on to the pumping room. To pump that oh so great milk out of my robot chest. I am in the pumping room playing Angry Birds and checking the feed on Facebook. Nothing exciting. I start thinking about why am I not pumping enough...my baby is going to STARVE! I am a bad mother....my baby is going to DIE. Yes...all this goes into my mind the short 15 minutes I am pumping. I finish up pumping and then I go back to work and then off too lunch. Now that is lunch what can I eat??? Oh no I can't eat that because baby will have gas or be cranky. I really don't want to walk to far because these heels hurt because I have been out of practice walking in them for a year. Anyways I get my lunch and eat at my boring gray cubicle desk and work. Again back to the pumping room....thinking about how my baby will die if I don't pump enough. I go back to work and pump one more time and then head out to go pick up my baby. This part of my day I really do look forward too. I get too see my baby. When I get to daycare I talk to my very awesome daycare provider. She tells me about how the baby did that day. I really eat up everything she says because I want to know how he did. I miss my baby. The small moment that I am happy because my baby is happy.
We then head home....waaah waah he cries. It is TOO hot in Houston! We get home...we let the dogs out. Walk around the yard watch them pee and then go inside. Nom nom nom baby is hungry. I feed him in my dull work clothes...he is done. I then put him in the swing while I get dinner ready. He is crying crying crying. He wants me to be near him. I tell him, "Buddy I am here you are not alone." He still cries. I walk up and stick his paci in his mouth. He is quiet and smiles. I walk away. He cries again. I give up and let him cry a little so I can make dinner and eat. Husband gets home picks up baby. I shovel my food in my mouth because robot mommy cannot enjoy her meals anymore. Then get baby ready for his bath and ready for bed. He finally sleeps at 8 pm. I wash dishes, bottles, and clothes. I then get all his stuff together for the next day. And I then take my long shower that I have been looking forward too ALL DAY! Yes....it is sad that one of the things I look forward to the most is my shower at night. This is the only time I can be alone and somewhat relax....key word "somewhat." I am in the shower thinking if the baby is crying or not and rush through that as well. It is 11 pm I am in bed. I am exhausted physically. I think at the end of each day...man this is a long day. I have to do it again...now I want to cry.
If you notice in my daily schedule. Not ONCE I think about me. I realized today. I don't EVER think about me. I know there are some sacrifices when becoming a mom, but you should never lose yourself as a person. Well I have. I don't think I can remember most recently that I am genuinely happy. Not a small moment of time that I was happy like when my baby giggle and smiles to me, but overall being happy as a person. I think as a new mom this has to be a common thing. You give give give give, but never let anyone give to you or give anything to yourself. We are so bogged down with the daily routine we forget to stop and actually smell the roses or in our case baby powder & formula.
Today I spoke to my husband about how unhappy I was. I want to feel emotion again. I want to be a person again. I want to give a crap about how I look and how I feel. I don't want to be feel like a shell of a person with no emotions just trying to get through each day. I want to laugh a real laugh. Not laugh just because I have too. I want to laugh so hard I pee in my pants. That is a real laugh. I want to fall in love again. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when I see my husband. I want to have tears of joy when I see my son accomplish a milestone. I want to have a heart again.
So today....I am going to start living my life again. I have no idea how I am going to do this, but I sure am going to try now. My husbad made a great point...If mommy is unhappy then EVERYONE (husband, son, friends, family, etc.) is unhappy. It is so true. It is a ripple effect.
Don't get me wrong....I am IN LOVE with my husband and son! I would not trade them for anything in the world, but I want to be better for them. And I can't do that if I am not even here as me. I need to give the best version of myself and that should be a happy person who loves life and wants to share it with the two special guys in my life.
So I thought my first step to living is to express to the world (or blog world) on how I feel. There shouldn't be any hiding of it. We live in a world that everything should appear and perfect on the outside, but that is not the reality. I want to be "real" soooo "world here I am!"
Second is to ask support to help me start living. I can't do this by myself because I tried and failed. So I ask all my readers (the small group who is out there...ha!) help me out on how to do this. What can I do to start living?! I of course have to do this in baby steps. Please help! I know can't be the only one out in cyber world that feels this way. Being a numb empty shell. So please if you have any experience or tips on how to help me find myself I really really appreciate it!
Thank you for reading my LONG LONG rant....this was really for me to let it off my chest. I do feel much better. I think this was a great outlet for me to get it all out there. I think blogging not specifically my new mommy confessions, but what I am interested in general will make me feel better. I will have a sense of me again.
Disclaimer: If I have offended anyone I am really sorry. I just needed to let out what I am feeling. Thank you!